3 Books I'm Reading as a Marriage and Family Therapist
1. Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships
by Nedra Glover Tawwab
What it's about:
Written by the Relationship & Boundaries Expert herself, Nedra Glover Tawwab puts together a comprehensive primer on how to navigate various kinds of dysfunctional familial relationships. She takes the time to break down what boundaries, neglect, abuse, and resentment are and how they show up in relationships with people who are difficult to keep in our lives.
Who it's for:
This book is for you, the client! This is a great crash course in family therapy ideas as a way to get you started or help you move forward in your healing journey around difficult family dynamics. The language is straight-forward, well-laid out, and not too clinical.
How to use the information:
The illustrations and vignettes throughout the book demonstrate how dysfunctional patterns show up in many families, regardless of other factors. This helps normalize that those who have difficulty staying in relationship with their family members (parents, caregivers, siblings, extended family, etc.) are not alone or broken.
My favorite part of the book is the call to own your agency and let go of what you do not have control over. We all need the reminder that we cannot control other people or their reactions or their capacity for change. What we can control is if we choose to have them in our lives or not and how we go about doing so on our terms. Nedra often will just flat out say that some relationships are not worth the pain and suffering of crossed boundaries, failed expectations, and emotional chaos.
She also shows you how to move forward with those you do choose to keep in your life even if it costs you something. By teaching several important skills like acceptance, boundary setting AND enforcing, direct communication skills and how to use them in specific situations with certain family members, Nedra can build your confidence in how to continue navigating important but less than ideal relationships in your life.
2. Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life
by: Vanessa Marin, LMFT & Xander Marin
What it's about:
This book is about demystifying how to talk about sex in your romantic, intimate, and sexual relationships. Vanessa, a sex therapist, and her husband, Xander, break down "the talk" into 5 conversations that build well on each other, covering the basics of how to start talking about sex with a partner, how to offer feedback, how to initiate sex, and how to make specific asks of your partner. There's also a lot of normalizing and educational information about couples, sexuality, orgasm, arousal, and communication that is included throughout.
Who it's for:
You! And your partner or partners! The book is written in a very approachable, informative, and accessible voice so that you can read it solo or with a partner or read separately and then talk about it together with someone.
Therapists, too! As an LMFT myself, I knew a lot of this information, but having it all in one place with some amazing, hands-on, concrete exercises that I can introduce to couples in session or for homework makes this book super useful to therapists!
How to use the information:
In her many, many years working with couples as a sex therapist and their many, many polls of their massive Instagram audience, Vanessa and Xander realized that people were pretty bad about talking about sex within their relationships. They wanted to create a guidebook for how to get the most out of your sexual relationship by learning how to communicate about needs, wants, desires, and feedback so that people could receive the connection and pleasure so many are desperately seeking in their relationships.
I recommend reading this book with your partner(s) or reading it separately and then deciding on a time to discuss, if you or your partner(s) prefer to take time to process internally before discussing ideas externally. The book serves as a great catalyst for important conversations all while it serves to improve the skill, quality, and effectiveness of said conversations!
Therapists can use this as a resource for couples who are struggling with conversations around sex and need some brushing up on their communication or initiation skills. I also recommend using the exercises in session with couples or assigning them for homework to encourage couples to prioritize time to discuss sex, connection, and pleasure in their relationships.
3. Mating in Captivity
by: Esther Perel
What it's about:
Perel, one of the world's leading couples therapists, puts together information about the changing landscape of romantic love and committed relationships. Modern love comes with new challenges and expectations than ever before, like getting most of your needs met by one person for the rest of your life whereas in a significant chunk of history, relationships served as business or economic transactions and romance/love were largely kept out of the marital union (which wasn't even expected to last too long considering the age expectancy was significantly low for much of human history). Taking all these shifts and changes into account, Perel provides anecdotes and case studies from her collective experience with a variety of diverse couples to highlight the needs of modern couples and how to make secure commitment last along with sexual desire and eroticism.
Who it's for:
This is for the modern couple, people in a committed relationship, people dating, people who are wondering if monogamy is for them, people who are monogamous who have not intentionally explored or addressed relationship expectations and how that shapes our satisfaction in our relationships. It's for those who want to learn more about relationships and the science and art of long-term erotic and committed love. It's for those who are asking how do I see my long-term partner with fresh eyes again? How do we get that spark back and why is it gone? How do we feel secure in our relationship and also sexy? Perel answers questions like these and more while teaching how we got here, considerations for relationships in the here and now, and how to tend eroticism in your relationship while enjoying the benefits of secure commitment.
How to use the information:
I use a lot of the information from this book in session with my couples. I draw from this book when I validate their frustrations, fears, and unfulfilled expectations. You can use this book to dispel common myths and set appropriate and healthy expectations of each other that lead to success instead of disappointment. Many couples face similar problems you are experiencing in your relationship(s) and are represented in this book to give you a new perspective on old issues, providing new paths forward. Perel suggests creating healthy space in the relationship that honors each person as an autonomous individual, that does not threaten the "WE" of the relationship but creates more sexual tension between the "YOU" and "ME". The idea is that eroticism thrives in the space between partners; and so, learning how to create and tend this space over time in our relationships is vital to our satisfaction within the relationship. This is why I consider Mating in Captivity required reading for today's couples and encourage you to pick it up.
There's always more to learn about relationships and how we relate to one another. Consider opening up these books with a curious to mind to see what information might support you and where you're at with your relationships. You may also use these books as a catalyst for conversations with your own individual or couples therapist. Enjoy!
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Want to read more on this topic? Check our this blog on 7 Tips for Better Emotional Connection, or this one on pre-marital counseling!