Empathy 101
by Toni Aswegan, LMHC, NCC
Let’s dig into this massive concept!
What is the difference between sympathy and empathy and compassion?
Sympathy is identifying with someone else’s situation, while empathy involves identifying with what they’re feeling and thinking during that situation. Empathy is harder and more vulnerable because it requires you to identify and experience within yourself the same emotion they are experiencing right now. That’s also what makes it more powerful than sympathy. Compassion is similar to empathy, but the main difference is that compassion is empathy PLUS the desire to help.
A note on terminology: “empathic” and “empathetic” are synonyms.
Is being an empath a real thing?
Maybe! Social scientists seem to have mixed opinions on this topic. For my purposes, I don’t feel the need to know whether it is a “real” thing (by which I’m assuming people mean “an inborn characteristically high level of empathy”). When I’m talking about an “empath” I mean someone who is highly attuned to other’s emotional states. If the label of “empath” is useful for you, great! If it’s not, you don’t have to pick that label up. You can call yourself what you want.
Does everyone have a baseline amount of empathy? Does early attachment wire you for more empathy?
Everyone (arguably, other than psychopaths) are born with the capacity for empathy. It is a trait humans naturally possess. Our experiences can increase our ability to experience and express empathy, or they can stunt our ability to experience and express empathy.
Attuned interactions with early caregivers (interactions in which a caregivers helps us name and care for what we feel) helps us develop both a theory of self and other. When we don’t experience attunement regularly as children, we develop a less stable sense of self and less skills to regulate emotions, and thus may have a harder time with empathy later on in life.
On attachment styles:
Those with avoidant attachment tend to experience a lack of attunement in childhood. Their emotional states are often ignored or criticized, so those with avoidant attachment might have a harder time experiencing and expressing empathy. Those with anxious attachment tend to experience enmeshment as children, meaning their emotional states are merged with their caregivers rather than differentiated. Those with anxious attachment might have a harder time stopping empathy and setting boundaries around empathy.
Why do some people struggle with empathy?
There are a ton of possibilities here. It’s possible they didn’t have a lot of attunement in early childhood. It’s possible they are not very in touch with their own emotions and so have a hard time connecting with those of others. Maybe they are easily dysregulated by emotion. Maybe they are stressed or otherwise burned out, which makes it harder to perspective take. Maybe they are judging another person, which blocks empathy.
Humans are generally born with the capacity to experience and express empathy.
Your childhood and attachment experiences can help you become more empathic, but even if you didn't build this skill from a young age, it is a skill you can learn and improve. And it's worthwhile to do so. Empathy will help you feel more connected, happier, and makes the world a better place.
What skills will help me build and practice empathy?
-reading fiction books;
-watching movies;
-going to therapy;
-practicing self-compassion;
-asking yourself questions about other people's inner worlds and behavior (swipe).
All of these actions help you build the muscle of curiosity and imagination about what is going on for another person.
Question to ask yourself to practice empathy for others:
-how might this person be feeling right now?
-how might I feel if I were in their position?
-what might this person have experienced in their past to lead them to this action/feeling/belief?
-even if you disagree with it, how might their behavior make sense?
What are some practical ways to express empathy?
There’s no script here. Use your body language and facial expression. Reflect what you think the other person is feeling “I imagine that was really scary” or “You’re feeling really lonely, huh?” with the option for them to correct you (we’re going for accurate empathy here, y’all). Get curious and ask questions, then reflect more.
How to move cognitive empathy to emotional/visceral empathy?
Being able to think through or understand empathy is great, but letting yourself feel it is really what other’s resonate with. Practice feeling your own emotions, this will help you get more comfortable with others. Therapy is a great place to practice this skill.
How do have empathy when I don’t agree with the other person?
This is totally possible! Empathy is not agreement. I can disagree with someone staying with an abusive partner, and empathize with their fear and helplessness about the decision to leave or not. I disagree with their decision, but I know moments where I’ve felt scared and helpless, and I can connect with them on that. Remember, empathy is connecting with the feelings, not the situation.
How to ask for empathy?
“I don’t need solutions right now, I just need you to know and understand how I feel.”
Remember, not everyone who is empathic has the skills to communicate it, so be patient.
At what point does experiencing empathy for others become unhealthy?
You’ll notice empathy becoming unhealthy when:
-you have little to no space to feel your own feelings
-You can’t stop thinking about other people
-You can’t sleep, are experiencing depression or anxiety related to other people’s feeling
-You overly adjust your behavior to influence others’ emotions or to take care of them
-You’re feeling burned out, disconnected, and losing your ability to have compassion and empathy (this is a SURE sign for me as a therapist).
How to set boundaries when you’re overly empathic?
-take some time to focus on your own feelings.
-Remind yourself that you’re not in the other person’s situation.
-Remind yourself what IS and IS NOT yours to be responsible for.
-Practice symbolically setting other peoples stuff down (write it down, pick an object to represent it and leave it outside the room).
-Get empathy from other people yourself. Seek support of your own, especially if you are consistently in the position of supporting others.
Wow, there’s a lot to say about empathy! It’s almost like its MY JOB! I really believe that empathy and compassion can make the world a better place. That’s why I do what I do.