3 Benefits of Acceptance

Acceptance is hard work. Especially during trying times like these.

But, the truth is, we suffer when we don't accept reality as it is. And to be clear, acceptance doesn't mean approving of reality--it just means seeing reality clearly. When you're suffering, you are saying it must be otherwise immediately, or ruminating on how awful it is, or beating yourself up for feeling a certain way about it. I'd put money on this making you feel worse. More angry, more anxious, more shame, more defeated.

It's because you are fighting reality. It's because you're trying to tell yourself that you shouldn't feel this way and to feel other than you feel. This is invalidation at it's most painful. It takes the pain you are already feeling--depression, anxiety, fear, dissatisfaction with your life--and multiplies it by 100. Because now you're feeling the pain of the initial emotion or event, and ALSO the pain of telling yourself how bad it is, how you should feel differently, and how wrong you are for feeling it.

Suffering, right now, might look like “I hate this. I’m sick of being stuck at home. I should feel grateful because others are suffering more than I am. I should be super productive right now. I shouldn’t feel so anxious and afraid. This is never going to end.”

Acceptance, on the other hand, is acknowledging what IS. Years ago, when I was first grappling with acceptance, I wrote the definition in my journal. "To believe or come to recognize as valid or correct." Now, correct does not mean "right" or "good". To me, it just means "true". Acceptance is just seeing the truth of reality.

Acceptance might sound like “this is a collective trauma and it hurts.”

Acceptance helps you:

1) Validate your emotional experience. As it relates to the virus, it makes hella sense why you're afraid, angry, depressed and worried. These are appropriate emotional responses to a global pandemic. You're allowed to feel how you feel. Let's not judge ourselves for having feelings. Acceptance does not mean you are *approving* of the feeling, it just means you're naming it for what it is without all the other junk attached.

2) Give yourself compassion. This is hard. You are not in this alone. What is happening is not okay, but it’s okay that it's hard. Like Brene Brown shared on her podcast recently, this is all of our fucking first time (FFT) in a pandemic. We’re doing our best. It's okay that you're not finishing every project that's been laying around your house. It's okay that you're not creating that masterpiece you've been considering. It's okay if you're eating emotionally, or irritable with your family. Again, all of this makes sense. None of us have been through this before, and it's okay to do what you need to manage and feel safe *enough* right now.

3) Take effective action. When we demand that reality be different than it is or refuse to accept it, we struggle to respond to reality as it is. Take our government, for example. Insisting that the virus "isn't that bad" slowed down the response and kept us from containing it as well as we could have. This is a story that got told: "it shouldn't be that bad, because that would be an awful thing for the economy, etc etc...", which drove an ineffective response. In comparison, if we could have recognized the reality as it is sooner, we would have had a more effective response. When we get the story and the judgement out of the way, we can be far more effective in our responses.

Again, acceptance is not condoning what you're feeling or resigning to the way things are. It is removing judgement so that you can chart a compassionate path forward. 

HOW? I hear you asking.

1) Notice when you're fighting reality. Begin to call attention to the signs that you’re not accepting reality. You'll probably notice physical tension, painful emotions arising, negative self-talk, and lots of stories about what should be happening.

2) Name what you're feeling, and the reality you are fighting. Name this objectively, as though you’re a completely impartial observer. This can help you recognize what is reality, and what is the story you’ve attached to it.

3) Turn your mind towards acceptance (this comes straight from DBT, my friends). Choose acceptance over and over and over again. I found mantras really helpful here. Write down daily the things you are trying to accept.

4) More self-compassion. Be kind to yourself, be kind to others. My mantra here is “it makes sense that…”. It makes sense that I’m feeling afraid in the midst of a pandemic. It makes sense that I’m feeling more on edge. It makes sense that I’m feeling angry about the suffering in the world.

I’m working on this with you right now, fam, because I find myself doing a lot of what-if-ing and ruminating on how I should feel better about things by now. I’m practicing validation, meditation, connection and creating new routines to help me accept the reality of the moment.

How are you, can you, or will you practice acceptance today?