How to Cope with Shame
First things first: Guilt and shame are NOT the same emotion.
Guilt is "I did a bad thing." Shame is "I am bad."
Both are natural human emotions.
Guilt is useful (when it's actually called for). It calls you in to notice when your behavior is out of line with your values. Socially, it spurs you to apologize and do better in the future. In this way, guilt can be useful. (Guilt can certainly take over and become not useful, like we often see with depression or anxiety, so we're not talking about that kind of guilt right now).
Shame, on the other hand, is not useful. Shame says "you are bad, and you no longer belong in society." This is not helpful. Shame prohibits empathy and curiosity, and so gets in the way of even wanting to learn how to do better. Shame also gives you no incentive to change, because you are already "outcast".
**You might at this point be feeling shame about feeling shame. "What is wrong with me that I keep feeling this useless emotion?!" Please be nice to yourself. You are human, and shame is part of being human. We fear disconnection more than almost anything, and shame grows out of this fear. That's okay.**
You might notice that shame has a stronger physical/somatic presence than guilt. It might feel physically different than guilt--showing up in different places in your body with different patterns.
The thoughts associated with guilt and shame are also different.
Guilt thoughts tend to sound like:
"I wish I had called my friend earlier when I knew they were struggling."
"I should have studied more for that test."
"Lying like that was not okay, I don't feel good about that."
Shame thoughts tend to sound like:
"I'm a terrible friend for not being supportive. I don't deserve friends."
"I'm so stupid. I'm an idiot for not studying more and failing the test."
"I am a liar, no one can trust me."
You can practice moving from shame to guilt. Separate the BEHAVIOR from YOURSELF. (Contrary to popular? belief, you are more than your behaviors.) This can help you from spiraling from guilt, to shame, to hopelessness, even to feeling suicidal.
Questions to reflect on:
What did you actually do/not do?
Was this in line with your values or not?
Can you talk to yourself about the behavior and avoid making a global evaluation of yourself? (See above examples of guilt vs shame talk.)
What can you do to make amends? (Apologize, plan how to change your behavior in the future, etc).
And, as always, practice self-compassion. Everyone makes mistakes. It's human to fuck up. You're still good enough and loveable, even when you fuck up.
So how do we sit with shame??
Like many other emotions:
1) Identify THAT you are feeling it in the first place. Name the emotion: "this is shame."
2) Notice where and how you are experiencing shame in your body. I often feel it as sweaty pits, red face, heavy heart, and difficulty breathing. It will show up differently for all of us. For many who have experienced trauma, shame comes with a hypoaroused collapsed state and dissociation (below the window of tolerance). Notice this.
3) Write down or name what thoughts are coming with shame. "I'm the worst, everyone hates me, I don't deserve what I have..."etc.
4) Separate those thoughts from the moment that triggered shame:
-Maybe you did something you regret, shift "I am awful for doing that" to "That was out of line with my values, can I apologize or do better in the future?"
-Maybe you were just vulnerable with a friend, and now are questioning your disclosure. How did your friend respond? Were they supportive? Are there signs you will be rejected? More likely than not, they responded well and were supportive. Check those facts, and remind yourself that you are worthy of love and connection.
5) SELF-COMPASSION. Remind yourself that we all experience shame, that it is related to our fear of disconnection and abandonment. Remind yourself that all humans make mistakes, it is human to be imperfect, and that imperfect connection is what we're here for. Go for a walk, take a bath, play with your dog...do something that nourishes your soul and shows yourself care.