5 Tips for Break-Ups
This topic is not talked about much in the therapy world, but you can continue couples therapy after a breakup! Often when couples break up, they decide that it is still useful to be in therapy to work on a friendship, boundaries, or other aspects of the relationship post-breakup.
Regardless of whether you stay in therapy or start therapy together after a break-up, we've got some ideas on how to navigate a breakup with clarity and compassion.
Here are 5 tips on how to navigate the breakup process.
1. Set clear boundaries and expectations
This can be challenging to do, but this will help both of you exist as two individuals in the same community who are no longer a couple. If needed, try to start small with boundaries and gradually adjust when needed. Below are a few ways to begin setting boundaries after you have decided to breakup:
Determine healthy contact and how much communication, if any, feels healthy for you. Establish healthy limits around social media, shared friends, and co-parenting (if applicable).
Do your best to protect your emotional space and maintain distance from spaces or situations that may trigger anxiety or hard feelings, at least in the beginning. If maintaining distance from your ex becomes hard, try to engage in health activities that promote healing, such as a walk outside, make yourself a meal, or call a friend that is supportive in your healing journey.
Being together for a long period of time can mean that your friends and family were possibly involved in your relationship. For example, you can choose to slowly remove yourself from these people by not communicating with them as frequently, unfollow them from social media, remove their phone number, and limit in person contact with them. This can make it feel like you're breaking up with your partner, but also their friends and family, which can compound the feelings of loss.
Be kind to yourself. Setting boundaries is a form of self-respect and allows you to focus on protecting your peace and energy. Be patient with yourself during this time and give yourself forgiveness.
2. Tend to your feelings of grief
Break ups can be an emotional roller coaster of grief, loss, and pain. It is okay to feel all the feelings that come up after the break up. Allow yourself to focus on creating space for yourself. Allow yourself to grieve and feel the emotions that are coming up within your body. This time can be spent by creating more healing in your heart, mind, and body. Try to be soft and gentle with yourself during this time. Know that it is okay to leave, but it can be hard to do it. This may look like writing letters to this person, but not sending them, journaling about your feelings, going to individual therapy, buying yourself flowers, making or buying yourself a comfort food you enjoy, getting a massage or facial, or taking a bath or shower. Any of these ideas are a form of self care, and doing your best to step into that space can help your healing journey.
Sometimes with grief around a break up it can be helpful to understand what happened. Process the relationship and reflect on any patterns and themes that led to the ending of the relationship. You can do this by going to therapy, writing down themes or unhealthy patterns that you recognized in your relationship that you want to change, or talking to a friend about the ways you want to create change for yourself and ask them to hold you accountable, or do something for yourself that you were unable to do in your relationship that feels empowering or healing. Try to gain a new perspective about yourself and how walking away from the relationship will allow you to learn new things about yourself and open new doors for your own personal growth and healing.
There is no timeline for healing within a breakup. Don't expect to heal from this breakup right away. Healing is non-linear; it's not a straight line, but a journey with many ups and downs. Setbacks are normal, and it is okay to have bad days navigating the breakup process.
3. Engage in self-care
Embrace your emotions that come along the way. It is okay to feel sad, angry, frustrated, or disappointed. Allow yourself to feel the feelings. This can be an opportunity to engage in journaling and reflect on how you want to step into your healing era. For example, clearing out physical reminders of the relationship that you are ready to let go of that still may be within your home.
Here is a link to 30 days of journal prompts towards helping you strengthen self-compassion.
Try to incorporate some type of movement if you can, such as walking around your neighborhood, yoga, stretching, or try a new workout class that allows you to connect with your mind and body. Grounding yourself within nature can be such a powerful tool. Try a new grounding exercise outside and allow yourself to connect with nature by taking off your shoes and putting your feet on grass. Surround yourself with support; find people in your life who encourage, uplift, value, and hold you tight.
Do your best to be compassionate to yourself during this time. Everyday is a new day, and some days may feel better than the other, but continue to try and hold space for yourself. Lean into this time as an opportunity to get to know yourself in a new way and become more comfortable with who YOU are as a person, right now.
4. Remember that it's still a relationship that has impacted you
One of the many purposes of relationships is to teach us how to be in other relationships. As Brene Brown says, "We don't have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to." What will you remember about your relationship together? What were some highlights? How do you want to grow and change from this relationship? What did you gain from this relationship? Reflecting on these questions will help foster understanding and closure. It is okay not to have all the answers as to why the relationship did not work out. However, taking the time to reflect can be an opportunity to learn how to become a better partner for your future relationship(s).
5. Consider seeking further support
Asking for help is a form of self care and kindness that you can extend to yourself. Don't hesitate to reach out to a therapist and schedule a consultation with them. Riverbank Therapy has therapists with openings and offers free 20 minute consultations. Your story and experience is valid and valuable, and we want to help you in the best ways we know how. Reach out to our admin team to schedule a free consultation.